From Shawna Mouser

(some excerpts from my journal from June 17th) (Excited to see all you Doug fans in DC ! )
June 17, 2003
See painting: For Doug, June 29, 2003

Dear Doug,

I'm speechless only because there is so much to say. I s'pose it's rather self-centered of me to sit here and cry over you when I am 100% certain you are right where you want to be. I should be happy for you. I know you hear me still. I should be content with continuing our conversations.

Selfishly, I am mad at you (like a girl throwing a temper tantrum to get her way).

I'm mad because there is so much more I wanted to know....to talk with you often highlighted my day and always took me on a path that removed me from the humdrum clockwork of the commercial world.

So, selfishly, I am mad because you altered my joy of knowing you in the flesh and now I only hold tight to the spirit of you. I'm here, alive and human, reliving knowing you and wishing there was more...you're there, alive and immortal, speaking to me...but because I am merely human, I might sometimes doubt it's really you.

I might decide I'm just crazy to think a dead? man is sending me thoughts and ideas. I wonder if you'll be my Mr. Art now? I want to send you this letter. Could you at least tell me your new address?

You were in my dream last night - only for a moment - you smiled - I know your face well. It was comfort for me. It's funny, even though your Aristotle beard was there these past couple of years, I still always see you with a clean-shaven face. We talked/speculated so much about what happens when you die - I'm dying to know...I wish you could tell me all about it. In time.....sigh. So, um, immortality....I told you once that I imagine we can see what's being said between friends, family, lovers, critics, etc. about us when we die. That maybe we're up - clouds? stars? looking down - or maybe through a mirror - at those we've left behind, and laughing, smiling, taking in what they are saying about us....that immortality comes from leaving something behind on the earth for people to talk about, speculate about.

Well, my dear,
you are immortal, left behind mystery, admiration, an impression. I imagine you will appear in art history books, but more importantly, in all of our dreams....immortal. I think I may be jealous! I guess I've still got marks to make and more growing to do. I never told you that I always felt like your little Lolita. Even though I'm an adult, I always felt so innocent and young around you. You taught me so much! The little girl with an intellect crush on her daddy's friend. I felt like your Lolita all the way to the end, but now I grieve like a woman.

See you in the future...and now in my dreams, in my paintings, perched in my conscience, telling me sweet inspirational somethings.

Brain in the Waves,
Doug, until we meet again someday....
Love,
Shawna

6/17/03
So final
So unbelievable
Surreal
So real
Sitting in the envelope of sadness
drawing strength from memories
crying at the same time.
All the sadness
longing
regret
FINALITY
falls into some void.
You hope he's
in that space
receiving.
You hope it brings
a smile to his face.
"So Doug, where do you think we go when we die?" Shawna asks.
He is silent.
____________________
My last emails with Doug...

-----Original Message-----
From: Doug Michels [mailto:idealab@earthlink.net]
Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 3:07 AM
To: Mouser, Shawna
Subject: heyshawna
a quick goodbye...
i'm off to australia sunday,
and back on the 21st.
see ya later, mate!
doug
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have fun! Sounds very exciting...
Hey, been meaning to ask you all week what the dress will be for your birthday party?

Oh, and is there a particular painting of mine that you know for a fact that you want already or are you preferring something new in exchange for my ticket?

Don't be fondling any whales or dolphins while you are down under! That's criminal behavior!!!
Talk to you after the 21st...
Shawna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Doug Michels [mailto:idealab@earthlink.net]
Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 3:33 AM
To: Mouser, Shawna
Subject: Re: heyon 5/31/03 5:24 AM, Mouser, Shawna at belaceoz@hotmail.com wrote:
Have fun! Sounds very exciting...
Hey, been meaning to ask you all week what the dress will be for your birthday party?

Good question... the venue is an open-air roof top penthouse overlooking the White House. I think you should just wear something very beautiful and sexy. Oh, and is there a particular painting of mine that you know for a fact that you want already or are you preferring something new in exchange for my ticket? actually, i'de prefer something brand new... maybe with a delphic theme? or whatever mr. art gets inspired by when it comes time to create! Don't be fondling any whales or dolphins while you are down under! That's criminal behavior!!!

Darn-it-all... no dolphin pussy for Snoop Dougg.I can think dolphins...seems fitting as a painting for you...
In fact, Mr. Art has an idea that just almost knocked me down!
he he...

Shawna Mouser

**************************July 1, 2003

Attached an image of the painting i gave to Doug's family Sunday...it was something Doug had commissioned from me in May when he invited me to the party. He said he would pay for my ticket to DC and I argued no no...but would agree to set up a finance plan to pay him back. He then asked me to do a small painting for him and he would pay me for it..."Do something delphic!", he said...so I did...

I completed the painting on June 9th and was pleased and excited to be presenting it to him at his birthday party. I carried around all day Sunday and was extremely shy about presenting it to his parents! I did give it to them, wrapped, and they took it home with them. I should've unveiled it for all to see, but that shy factor got the best of me! Anyhow, if you wanted to post the image on the website, I think it'd be wonderful. I have a difficult time with titles...but did just call it "For Doug, June 29th, 2003". Oh, and in case it's important...the medium is collage, acrylic, gold leaf...it's a 9"x12" painting...

For Doug, June 29, 2003